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Why??!!!!! Please give some advice

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dave from MN

01-25-2006 13:11:13

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Just gotta vent here for a minute. but 1st always make sure equip you work on is powered dorn and locked out !OK here goes, 25 year old brother in law has been going down hill financially since he met his pretty, h*rny, spoiled dont wanna work, girlfreind. Well Monday I sat down and went through his finances with him. He is at least $18000 in debt.Rents an apartment (no equity there), $11000 of which are personal loans to bail out this girl that spends and spends yet dont work. As of Monday he had to pay $350 to replace the petro pump in his truck and had only $500 to his name. Basically as of then 78% of his income is ate up by monthly payments. That aint including gas, food, and living exp. I have been preaching to him for 8 months to get that saving built up for an emergency. He always talks tough but never makes this chick share in his pain and expenses to keep her housed. Well now I get a call from her, my favorite person, that the ol brother in law had an accident at work last night, just got of finger surgery and now has a shortened finger or two, the only one that thing on his one hand that is any use for about the next 6 weeks will be his thumb. So here he sits no cash, behind on his bills, and no real paycheck for some time, and of course this girl that still aint got a darn job. This is a guy that always had cash in savings, paid on loans early, didnt buy it if he didnt need it, and after 1 year with this girl is totally screwed and just says " but I love her". Sooooo do I borrow him money to help him out, which would only go to loans that are for her any way, or do I say NO and let him learn a very hard lesson and probably lose his boat,truck, ATV, and who knows what else he put up for this chick. Any one been there????

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rumplestiltskin

01-26-2006 10:07:22

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Git 'Er Gone in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

Dave:

Save your money; it's a bottomless rat hole. He'll just need more a month from now, and when you turn him down he'll resent you for it. You may as well have him resent you sooner, if he's going to, and save your money. The girlfriend will leave on her own when the creditors start hounding them.

As for buying his toys, that's not a good idea either. Are you prepared to turn him down when he and the girlfriend want to borrow one of them? Why even put yourself in that situation?

If you really want to help, and can spare $25 or so, get him a copy of Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover" book. If he takes it seriously, the girlfriend will be gone all the sooner and his financial healing will be all the quicker.

Mark W.

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dave from MN

01-25-2006 17:44:58

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

Thanks for the advice, pretty much my thinking. Only I just came from his place to see how his arm is, prettty messed up. Of course the queen was sitting there on her big ol hind quarter eating a "panara" restraunt sandwich and sucking down a $3.00 shake. So I did what I do , and told her exactly what I think, what I think of her excuses, and I think shes pretty mad at me right now. Darn. BIL actually was smiling while I was laying it down, so I told him to get some balls and put his foot down himself. Of course he says "she trying " I said "well Home Depot is hiring bout anyone coming in the door, heard it on the radio today", he told her to get over there as soon as I leave. We'll see. Turns out she has over $10000 in med bills and other collections as well. Her partents are telling her she should file bankruptcy, I told her there nutts. Some one has to absorb her debt if she even got it. She must have something good in the bedroom cause there sure aint nothing else going on in that relationship that is worth a blinnk.

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Been there

01-26-2006 09:10:33

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 17:44:58

$18,000. even $28,000. , is a cheap lesson. These things can be lots worse, ..believe me. What everyone said is true. I wouldn't say anything else until asked, and I'd try to keep my own boat floating. AND... YOU can't worry about people who you have no control over, it wastes your time and changes nothing.

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David Kronwall

01-25-2006 21:00:55

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 17:44:58

Dave: For What It's Worth...I see all the advice that your post generated, abmire its good sense, and agree with it. Please listen to it. Eventually, your BIL will see the light. He needs to. And good for you for telling her like it is. He needs to do the same.

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Peabody

01-25-2006 20:37:59

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 17:44:58

Sounds like the little head is thinking for the big head. You have no obligation here. As a matter of fact, if you succomb and "help him out", you will only be adding fuel to the fire and making the situation worse. He needs to hit bottom. Hard love.

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Chris in Washington

01-25-2006 16:36:58

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

My sister bought my niece a condo so she and her kids could have a place to live. Then gave her financial counseling so she could stay out of hock. Her boyfriend talked her into selling the condo and buying a house. Now they live in a shack and are back in hock. It is your business but I wouldn't give him a dime.

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riverbend

01-25-2006 16:25:45

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

Dave,

This is your brother-in-law ? Not your own flesh and blood brother, right ? I'd say that you should give him some good advice and let it go at that. His family aught to reach in their pocket to help him out.

Greg

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Steven@AZ

01-25-2006 16:21:41

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

I have borrowed money from friends and family before, and have also loaned some money out to the same... Not a good situation to get into.

It just makes for hard feelings, even if you pay back in a timely manner or on schedule as was agreed on. Seems like something is always hanging over your head (or theirs).

I would let him hit bottom so he learns.

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Michael Soldan

01-25-2006 15:51:24

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

Dave, you have a problem, you have a sense of loyalty to your brother in law and you also have identified the problem. You need to tell you BIL and his Girlfriend that she needs to get a job and contribute to the economy of the relationship. If she says she doesn't want to that ought to bite your BIL big time and then he will know what kind of a lazy son of a b$tch he has gotten hooked up with(better yet,print off this page and hand it to him and tell him this is what average folks think of the situation) And one example...a younger friend of mine hooked up with a girl who didn't work, she went shopping one day and came home with clothes of all sorts and informed him she had bought a washer and a dryer which would be delivered the next day. My friends mother said to the girl how on earth can you pay for this? She replied "Oh I used our credit card".....Dumb b$tch thought that was how things got paid for...never dawned on her that someone has to eventually pay money!...Mike in Exeter Ontario

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Hermit

01-25-2006 15:42:37

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

Go to the Yellow Pages and tear out the page for finance counseling. Give it to him and walk away. It's not your problem.

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vernMN

01-25-2006 15:37:22

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

Definetly family loans are a bad way to go. He has to learn the lesson and she might as well also. As GP said, maybe buy out a thing or two, but I would not hold them as he might expect them back for use free. Then you would be the same as giving the money away.

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SproutW

01-25-2006 15:28:12

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

You can help him out and not lend him money. Buy some of his toys that he is going to sell anyway. If he gets back on his feet he can always buy them back. In the mean time you are not loaning him money but buying toys yourself if you can afford to do so. She will be gone here real quick anyway now that the money tree has died away. I would not just bail him out and loan him money, bad idea. Don't worry she will leave on her own.

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Dave BN

01-25-2006 15:19:58

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

I doubt seriously that you have enough money to keep him going, until he /she change his/their ways. Giving a drunk a drink is NOT helping. Once he/they change habits you might give them some money to help out. As everyone else has said lending money to family is BAD. Life can be very hard. Dave.

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Kelly C

01-25-2006 15:03:21

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

Heck NO!!! He has a leach stuck to him. if you give hime some of your blood your just feeding the leach.
This young man needs to hit bottom. As soon as he does. The leach will fall off and look for a new sack O cash to suck off.
Then he can start to rebuild.

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26RED

01-25-2006 14:59:13

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

Know a guy who's brother did the same thing.. girl took him to the bank. Guy's parents helped him out a little, but got fed up. Kid finally declared bankruptcy and reorganized his loans... best lesson he and she ever learned...

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01-25-2006 14:19:01

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

Loans to family are not a good idea. If he is in that much financial trouble you might offer to buy the boat, truck or 4 wheeler (assuming they are worth more than he owes on them). This way you actually get something in return for your cash and it prevents the credit issues he will encounter if the items are repo'd.

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BillyinStoughton

01-25-2006 14:09:22

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

Gettin" by on love works for a while...but ya still gotta pay the bills. I think the old saying is, "Money doesn"t by happiness, but it sure as h*ll makes misery a lot easier to live with."

One vote for, "kick her to the curb". This ain"t my first rodeo...and when the money runs out...she will too.

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LumbrJakMan

01-25-2006 13:49:54

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

OK LumbrJakman makes his Money with his Tractors and Excavators He has a Deal with the Banks in town ..... Now pay attention this is Important !!

LumbrJakMan DOESNT Lend Money and in Return
The Bank DOESNT do Excavating !!

Very Simple !

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Janicholson

01-25-2006 13:37:46

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

Reality check time.
She needs councling (not from you) He needs to remember that Organ Music is not profitable in the long run, and can lead to deafness if played too loud. Don't lend money unless you are willing to donate to the demise of the mans values (they are now covered with a blanket). The original loans were granted by someone and they are loosing, do not join the croud.
JimN

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Craig Thoricht

01-25-2006 13:32:20

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

This is only my experience but the mix of family and money is not good. Reading your post leaves little doubt that you would do anything for your brother, but nothing good can come out of this situation. I don"t want to sound like a preacher but think real hard about this. There is a lot more at stake here than money. Good luck and good luck to your brother.

Craig

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Nat 2

01-25-2006 13:27:16

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to dave from MN, 01-25-2006 13:11:13

Never loan money to friends or family.

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Brutus

01-25-2006 13:48:23

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to Nat 2, 01-25-2006 13:27:16

Sometimes a person has to learn the hard way. Always remember, one way or another every man pays for his screwing!! When I was younger I had one run my bills ect. up, Never again! Tell him to kick her A$$ out and if he gets lonely to get a dog or a hooker! Just remember dogs and hookers do not serve the same purpose!!!! Good luck

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jodee

01-25-2006 15:36:44

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Re: Why??!!!!! Please give some advice in reply to Brutus, 01-25-2006 13:48:23

dave if your brother pastaway today. you think twice about helping him he came from the same blood you did what would mother are dad do.I think you no the answer. good luck pal.

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