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Basic shop tools: Defined

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Mike CA

03-12-2008 16:05:27




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Basic Shop Tools and Their General Purpose
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh manure!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
"JESUS CLIP": A small circlip or hairpin-style retaining clip
typically used to hold small shafts in place (ie: carburetor throttle shaft). The name comes from every mechanics' expression the moment when a circlip pops off the shaft and falls under the car.

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1fortyfanatic

03-13-2008 22:49:14




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 Re: Basic shop tools: Defined in reply to Mike CA, 03-12-2008 16:05:27  
I love that list. I have my own additions of course. :shock:
3/8ths, 1/4 inch Sockets: Round, metal tools designed to improve your abdominal muscles from consistantly getting up off the floor because you have the wrong size. After the 4th trip, also doubles as a dammit tool once you discover the project is in metric.

3/8ths, 1/4 inch Socket Wrenches: Tools which spin the above, but fit in no usable space. Again, doubles as a dammit tool when you refuse to accept that it won't fit in the space, and your knuckles become bloody meat.

Any "unbreakable" tool: A tool which either does break, or bends to a completely unusable position.

Cordless Drill Driver: A particularly useful tool for converting any screw into a permanent part of the project at much higher speed than previously possible. Also useful as a reminder to either charge batteries or buy more. Too expensive to be used as a dammit tool.

Air Compressor: A perfect storage tank to eliminate pesky moisture in the air, and convert it to rust. Most well known for it's uncanny ability to predict when something you are saying or listening to, is important thus blanking out such sound.

And finally, Propane Torch: A fossil fuel derivative tool, which is useful for general cigarette lighting purposes, for those who need to smoke and contemplate their next move when heat fails to advance the cause and the dammit tool has already been utilized. Also useful as a roller skate, as it never will stand on it's end.

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ihdoug

03-13-2008 18:03:41




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 Re: Basic shop tools: Defined in reply to Mike CA, 03-12-2008 16:05:27  
gotta love the pliers, vice grips, and pipe wrenches!



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rumplestiltskin

03-13-2008 09:54:17




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 Re: Basic shop tools: Defined in reply to Mike CA, 03-12-2008 16:05:27  

Mike:

Maybe the beer you mentioned early on is part of the problem.

Then again, maybe it's part of the solution.

Mark W. in MI



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Charles Todd

03-12-2008 18:48:40




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 Re: Basic shop tools: Defined in reply to Mike CA, 03-12-2008 16:05:27  
I would like to add;

CRESENT WRENCH: Or so called "adjustable". It is either too tight and will not let go of the head or too loose and rounds off the bolt/nut, see VISE-GRIP and PLIERS. Also, substitutes as a HAMMER when it is in reach while the other hand is buried elbow-deep inside of the nastist part of whatever the current project is. Makes a good DAMMIT TOOL as well.

PUNCH: Used to try to break up the E-Z OUT EXTRACTOR after you break it off flush in the bolt/stud.

WELDING MACHINE: Used to try to weld a nut to the bolt/stud after the E-Z OUT EXTRACTOR breaks and you completly mutilate it with the PUNCH. Also good to weld a bead inside of a bearing race after the OXYACETYLENE TORCH fails to remove the part due to acute grease smoke inhalation.

PIPE WRENCH: Tool used to completly mar/damage/distort/or otherwise dystroy whatever comes in contact with it. Used after PILERS and VISE-GRIP.

DIE GRINDER, STRAIGHT AND NINTY-DEGREE: Used to clean-up teeth marks from PIPE WRENCH, PLIERS, and VISE-GRIPS. Also good to smooth edges from HACKSAW and AVIATION SNIPS.

Charles

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little john

03-12-2008 17:33:08




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 Re: Basic shop tools: Defined in reply to Mike CA, 03-12-2008 16:05:27  
A good list and I have most of them. Mike, seems there should be band-aids in there somewhere to slow the bleeding.



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DanJ13655

03-12-2008 17:20:45




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 Re: Basic shop tools: Defined in reply to Mike CA, 03-12-2008 16:05:27  
Hey! I have all of those! Great list! My wife's looking at me weird and wondering what's so damn funny.



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Red Mist

03-12-2008 17:11:22




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 Re: Basic shop tools: Defined in reply to Mike CA, 03-12-2008 16:05:27  
Oh, my. After reading this, something tells me you aren't going to be ready for that April tractor show....
(Really, I hope you make it.)
mike



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kfinpa

03-12-2008 16:53:24




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 Re: Basic shop tools: Defined in reply to Mike CA, 03-12-2008 16:05:27  
dont forget VALVE SPRING COMPRESSOR: good for clamping the spring down untill you put the retainers sending both across the room, shattered fulorecent light bulbs leave a lot of glass on the floor..
great list by the way.



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Andrew Z

03-12-2008 16:36:38




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 Re: Basic shop tools: Defined in reply to Mike CA, 03-12-2008 16:05:27  
Mike, you forgot vise grips!!! always have to have them on had lol! :)

Andrew



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Andrew Z

03-12-2008 18:41:05




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 Re: Basic shop tools: Defined in reply to Andrew Z, 03-12-2008 16:36:38  
Ahh you got them i just must have missed'em readin it earlier!

Andrew



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