DRILL PRESS: A tall upright drilling machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you
in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it
against that freshly stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint, dirt and rust off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, "You son-of-a...." ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by most women. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes. VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for setting the grease on fire
inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or
1/2" socket you"ve been searching for the last 45 minutes. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes without the brake drum and
tire, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters, metal cuttings and wire
wheel wires from your hands and fingers. MASKING TAPE: Useful for securing the Band-Aid on your index finger so
you can finish the job without worrying about the Band-Aid coming off. SMALL THREAD CUTTING TAPS: A tool for making new threaded bolt holes
that is just as hard as any known drill bit that snaps off neatly
thereby turning a good day into a bad one. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
the motor mounts you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 24" SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT (with a bulb, not the fluorescent kind): Sometimes called
a drop light, it"s the home mechanic"s own miniature "sunburn tool." Its
main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105 mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few
hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name
is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty or
stubborn bolts or nuts which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by
someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to
quickly snap off lug nut studs. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make rubber fuel, vacuum, heater, etc.,
hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC"S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
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