A questions for Dads

Thank yourself for having the courage and caring enough to put it out on the web rather than sulking about it and doing something stupid.....which a lot of youngsters do..... ..... .boy, if they only had what you have going for them.

Mark

By the time I kicked in here, there were 20 responses to your question and all positive and encouraging. What a super bunch of people who interact in this web site.

Think about what you are reading here. You are getting all this positive feedback from total strangers who are telling it like it is..... ....we love you and don't even know you. If we didn't, why bother.

I am a very successful senior electronic engineer with a major corporation and did it without a college degree. I was too stupid to get it in the books but in a practical environment I fit right in.....wasn't easy and was lots of work.

The story here is I am what I am because of what I had to do growing up and then raising 4 children (with my wife of course). Every time I had to do something I learned something that I applied later on. It was like climbing stairs. At 62 I can look back and say that things weren't so bad after all when I didn't even know what happened (electrically) when you flipped on the light switch in your room.

Lastly, you have a dad (lots of boys don't)and he may not realize what he is doing to you. In raising my 3 boys (1 girl) I was so busy earning a living I didn't have time for them and did not realize, at the time, that I was depriving them of that father-son relationship. As we get older, we get wiser.

Talk to dad if you can but if it doesn't happen hang in there and you will be a better person. Keep your chin up and as stated by your "friends" think positive...it works.

Lastly, if you are busy, your mind is busy and you don't have time to get into trouble. Lots of youngsters are in trouble today only because they weren't lucky enough to have chores to do like you.

Mark

Here is my story-

Both my parents died by the time I was 12. I lived in a series of horrible foster environments where I was treated like Cinderfella. I always kept my eye on the ball though - Study hard, use your brains and be excellent. Always be smarter and figure out a better way. Whether you are a farmer, trucker, athlete, CEO, or astronaut, your brains are your most important tool and will set you at the top of the heap. Once you get there, start using those same brains to be a better husband and father. You WILL change the world towards the better.

I put my self through the world's top colleges and grad schools by working hard and adapted where I had to to get ahead. (I'm no genius) I built a fair amount of wealth and now I have a farm where I spend more than 50% of my time with my kids to break the cycle of my horrible past and to make sure they grow right and are close to their folks.

Don't even know if they will ever appreciate it, but it is the right thing to do.

Bless you - I will think of you

We kind of had it like you have it when we were growing up. My brother and I did everything. My daddy didn't do too much around the farm but after all he did work a job every day and the chores were our jobs. Fortunately we did what we liked. I did the pastures, equipment and gardens. My brother took care of the yard (3 acres) and the cars. We both did house maintenance. My sister (youngest) didn't do much.

My daddy beat the living crap out of me when I was little, would be considered child abuse now (mama says so, so it must be true). My brother got less and my sister almost none.

Bottom line is that today (30 years later) my brother and I are fully functioning men, contributing to society, who can take care of themselves and are what I consider very successful. My brother is the most successful. My sister is basically a parasite. She still depends on her 83 year old mother to pay her bills and bail her out of whatever she gets herself into.

I guess what I want you to realize is that you will survive. You can be strong, stable, and self-sufficient if you choose to. Take this opportunity to learn all you can, school, college, home, church, wherever. You sound like a son to be proud of. Wish I had one like you. I do have two daughters that I am proud of however.

Good Luck.

slim

Keep this phrase in mind.....

You are not what you think you are..... but what you think.....you are!!!!

Keeping the negatives if the front of your mind will set up a pattern that for the rest of your life you will always be looking at life in the negative sense. Old habits are hard to break!!!!! It's natural and normal to always be looking for the easy way. But when it comes right down to it....the easy way is the right way the first time.

Getting a raw deal???? You might very well be. But by thinking positive, you know you will get through it not too much the worse for wear.

Only you have the ability to be happy. No one can make you happy. They can share your happiness/satisfaction but can't do it for you.

You have more life ahead of you than you have behind you. Get on the right track now, and you won't have to rely on anti depressants later in life.

Not a simple answer to your situation, and definately not exactly what you want to hear I'm sure.

But I will say this. I sure wish I could have gotten that explanation when I was a youngster. At 49, I'm still repeating that phrase to myself on a weekly basis to keep life in a positive perspective.

All in all you have some good answers to your questions here, hope you feel a bit better, hang in there and stop back here from time to time.

You have so few short years of adolescense left living at home, try to may the best of it. Try to do what he asks of you, and respect him, and if necessary, stay out of his way at times.

You will be grown up soon, and better realize for youself your Dad's motives, and even if he is actually the world's worst Dad, some day when he passes on, you will miss him, and wish you could share even one more hour with him. There are always those questions you wish you would have asked, and never did.

Good Luck! (Been there, done that, still miss the old man, even though we had almost nothing in common.)

Hang in there Hoss!
Us Dad's ain't all that bad. I know it seems like we are tough on ya but then life is tough. If your Dad is anything like my Dad or like I am for my 2 boys it will all work out. Long and short of this conversation though it is still Dad's place and you are his son. What he says must be obeyed. No questions asked - if you have an issue with it discuss it later AFTER the task at hand is done.

Now that said, as a Scoutmaster and father each of my son's are very special to me. Each has their own talent. I tap each of them for the talents I need to assist me with chores around the place. I often task them both to do things I know that are beyond their skills. It is not so much completion of the task that I am after but the desire to give it your best shot! As long as they HONESTLY try I am satisfied.

NOBODY LIKES A QUITTER OR WHINER!!

Beyond that what I have settled on is switching chores every month. That way each has a fair share of the workload and each can work to get it accomplished. The one that does the best for the month gets a bonus, be it FREE FRIDAY, spend nite with a buddy, no chore weekend, etc. That is then rolled up to who does the best over a quarter (3 month period). This gives my sons a goal to work towards, they must plan and track their own progress and end the end there is recognition of their efforts.

Talk to your Dad about balancing the workload and if no luck ask him for some consideration on the "Above and Beyond" work you do. Might be your Dad has come to rely heavily on your help and inadvertently is taking the effort for granted. Again, though he is DAD.

I would also strongly challenge your brother to assist - set some goals to achieve. Some of our best goal setting is done right at the supper table. This is where we discuss EVERYTHING, GOOD, BAD OR INDIFFERENT. Kind of hard to argue with a mouthful of good cookin'

Here are some goals adapted for Shep's Place

1. To live in harmony with, enjoy, love and respect the whole creation and our Creator.

2. Create a environment where everyone, and everything is accepted for who, and what they are, will be and what we are becoming together.

3. Provide opportunity for my boys to live on the land, if they desire.

4. Provide educational opportunities, and meet community responsibilities.

5. Make time for family, friends, neighbors, recreation and to do things well.

6. Maintain good physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.

7. Work at the farm being self-sustaining and diversified.

8. To become debt free.

Again, hang in there. 14 is a tough age when you are going through it. Besides, it could always be worse - see pic :)

My thoughts are the next time he gives you things to do, make a written list. After finishing writing the list, ask him if the items on that list are for you to do or to split with your brother?

If he does by chance say that are to split with your brother, wake him before long and let him choose half of the items. Write initials beside which each of you are to do. You may not like having to do just the crappy jobs, but isn't it better than doing them all? Besides you can hand the list to dad when he returns so that he can see for himself what didn't get done, and who didn't do their fair share. You'll probably do brothers items tomorrow.

If your dad says the items are just for you, lump it and remember as others have said, that he sees pontential in you. Do the work knowing full well that someday your work ethic will serve you well when you are in the work force.

Brothers can be the pits, I had two. When the one died a few years ago, I would gladly have given my life if he could have lived instead.

Good question BTW.

The best advise I can offer is don't fight it and soak up everything you can because you never quite know when or where they will come in handy or save your butt!

It's also possible that your dad really is being unfair. When I was 10 my dad was my hero and could do no wrong, at 14 he was dumb as an anvil, at 20 he treated me too much like a kid, at 24 he bagan to get a little smarter (but was still an a/h about 1/2 the time. Low and behold now that I'm 36 and he's nearly 80 he has become the smartest man in the world and I hope I can be just as good (and just as tough) a father to my boys as he was to me. Good luck!

Regards,
David

I needed to read this again tonight, having one of those nights when it's really tough to be a dad. My youngest has gotten it in his head that he is the center of the universe. Whew!

Regards,
David