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faimly related issue

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Stump Jumper

01-09-2007 15:41:53

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hello yall im about to turn 18 and my dad that i havent seen ro heard from in six years wants to come back in my life just wondered what i should do i would like to see him agian but im ticked beyound belief and would probably end up figting him

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John in Ct

01-10-2007 17:41:59

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

CONTROL YOUR ANGER AND TREAT YOUR FATHER WITH RESPECT!!!!! BE COURTIOUS AND POLITE TOO!!!!!. You don't need any ground rules. Give your father a second chance!!!! Just imagine if no one gave you a second chance anytime you f$%^&* up.

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TGIN

01-10-2007 03:17:06

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

Your becoming a man , present yourself as one and control yourself as the same .

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Hard Knocks

01-10-2007 02:58:53

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

Since you just turned 18 I'd have to be supicious that he was dodging supporting you for the last 6 years.Did he pay child support if not he already has a couple of strikes against him period no matter what his relationship with your mom. You don't 'owe' him anything. If you do decide to meet don't let him lay a guilt trip on you about he's your only dad etc.He chose to break off the relationship not you so now you have the option of whether to continue it or not.
Good Luck

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Don L C

01-10-2007 05:58:05

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Hard Knocks, 01-10-2007 02:58:53

I would give him you time on the phone call him twice a mounth for 6 months..... ..wright him also, send him pictures and ask fo his,,,,,this way youl know him a little better when you meet.....

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Howard H.

01-09-2007 22:49:32

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

Great comments from everyone.

As you get older, too, you realize (or at least I have), you just have to take some things in the world for what they are and not what you want them to be.

Some families that appear close-knit, in reality can't even stand to be around one another... I've got friends I consider "true" family... The point being - a lot of "family" is also what you make of it...

Best of luck to you!

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John S-B

01-09-2007 20:32:14

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

You've been given some very good advise from the guys. Not knowing the circumstances under which your dad left, it's hard to give specific advise. Realize that you are becoming a man yourself and the actions you take will speak louder than your words. The important thing is to remember what you wanted and needed in a father and to be that to your children as best you can. It's not easy but you can establish a tradition of strong family, the world desperatly needs that.

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Stumpalump

01-09-2007 20:24:48

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

If you havent seen or heard from him in 6 years how do you know he wants to be back in your life? Thats a strong statement when maybe he just wants to see his kid. Maybe the whole thing with your mother messed him up so bad inside the best he could do was stay away. Be nice but keep your gaurd up a little. He might turn out to be the best freind you have. Your 18 and if he gets out a line in the least little way let him know in strong words where you stand and what the boundres are before he gets out of hand.

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Walt Davies

01-09-2007 19:33:08

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

As one who has never seen or heard a word from his Dad I guess I can speak from the heart on this subject. Growing up I never thought anything about it as I had never had a dad I never new what to miss about one.
Later on my wife wanted me to go see him but by then the years were just to many and the interest was not there.
I would see him say Hello in a pleasant way and then see what happens. Never lay down rules it just makes thing harder for the both of you to get along always worrying about breaking a rule.
Like I said meet him for dinner or something like that get to know him and see just what he wants and if you want to continue the relationship.
If you don't get along on a short visit for dinner then you sure won't on a long visit like over a weekend but if you hit it off at dinner then plan for a longer visit. Look for something that you both like and go there. Be by yourself not with the family around so what you talk about is what you want not what others want.
Anyway I hope it turns out better than mine did. my Dad is long gone now so I'm left with nothing of him or his family to remember or pass on to my kids.
Walt

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Paul from MI

01-09-2007 18:41:40

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

Can"t speak from personal experience, my dad & I had a great relationship for 52 years, until he passed away. I still miss him. Whether or nor you can salvage something out of this is up to your father. You seem to have your head screwed on pretty straight, so use a good bit of caution until you are totally sure about it.
MORE IMPORTANT!!!
You have a chance to break the cycle and make sure your kids never go thru what you have. When you have kids, spend some time with them. It doesn"t have to be play, some of my best memories with my dad & my kids were working together. Just a thought-Good Luck,
Paul

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Tim B from MA

01-09-2007 18:15:13

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

You'll never look back and feel proud or good about shutting him out when he was trying to make amends. You will only look back with regret that you did not give it a chance.

You should probably keep your hopes in check until you have a chance to see how it might turn out.

But maybe he has grown up and you can develop a relationship and be a family again. You MIGHT regret giving him a second chance, but you definitely will have regrets if you don't.

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Dave from MN

01-09-2007 17:25:50

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

My wife and BIL have the same issue as you , their maternal father would come around once or twice every few years and want to be part of their lives. Then the wife would have that "its all gonna be good feeling". then as quick as he came around, he'd be gone for a few more years, never with any apologies, reason, or notice. He is a jerk, IMHO, he comes around when all is falling around him, he contacts them when his bday is near, or a holiday, they even once canceled a family xmas here to travel about 100 miles to have a day with him, my wife and I provided food, pop, presents(because my wife still has that he's my father morals), and left with nothing but empty promises and the guy acting like he never missed a day. My kids confused asking us why that guy wants us to call him grandpa. Your pa may be nothing like my wifes, you need to give him an opertunity and see how it goes. If you dont you will regret it someday. I am adopted, i was contacted by my maternal mother about 6 years ago, with out being contacted by the proper person 1st, it was odd for me, but I went and met her. She is not well due to a nervous breakdown about the time i was born. I do not feel the love for her as I do my adopted parents, she has a hard time accepting that and I will stay in contact with her, but not in the way she wants. So, go ahead and see him, then proceed with sound heart and mind, not conscience.

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coflyboy

01-09-2007 17:06:26

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

The question is this; you have one dad, can this person be an asset to your life or not. If you believe that a relation with him will benefit you, go for it. If you are so bitter that there is no room for a relationship don't do it.
Waste as little negative emotion on this issue as possible.
You are in control. A relationship with him could be an excellent experience. It also could be very negative. You make the decision. Just don't knuckle under to any external pressures.
I was separated from my daughter for many years. We now have a very rewarding and loving relationship. We both treasure it. We would both be less if we had let it go.

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Dannie-------------------

01-09-2007 17:06:03

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

Any man can be a father,some find it hard to be a Dad.Maybe he has grown up some.What have you got to lose but a few good years.The past is gone,the present is now,the future to short.Good Luck

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Nebraska Cowman

01-09-2007 17:03:12

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

Having poor parents does not excuse us from being good sons.

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CaterpillarAl

01-09-2007 18:23:05

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Nebraska Cowman, 01-09-2007 17:03:12

You really nailed it for me!

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tractormiallis

01-09-2007 16:42:34

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

Well, I have seen many kids like you with similar situations in my profession working in schools. I advise you to see your dad, give him a chance to be part of your life. Youre nearly 18, tell him that, and tell him how he hurt you by not being in your life for 6 years. Tell him there is no way he can get those years back, but state that although it is not easy to let him be in your life because of his absence and your feelings about him, tell him you will and that if he screws up again, you will be 18 and it will be too late to get you back in his life if you should choose to not see him. Dont act hostile to him, its not worth it, but who knows, maybe you can just be friends with him, or maybe he can be a father to you. Give it a shot, and best of luck.

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Dug

01-09-2007 16:34:13

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

Midwest redneck gave you the right answer, but it's also the most difficult...

If you see him, lay in on the table how you feel, the ground rules going forward and, keep in mind, YOU may have to be the adult in this relationship. His track record is less than admirable, so proceed with caution.

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Midwest redneck

01-09-2007 15:46:38

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

He is your only dad.....If he wants to be a dad again let him. It never hurts to be nice to people.

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HAPPY DEERE

01-09-2007 15:43:52

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to Stump Jumper, 01-09-2007 15:41:53

man i know how you feel but i dont know all the reasons i would say fighting is not the answer i still havent seen my dad although he had a lawyer ask to come over and take me to supper but i adopted a neibor as a dad and he has been more of one then my real dad

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B-maniac

01-09-2007 17:36:36

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Re: faimly related issue in reply to HAPPY DEERE, 01-09-2007 15:43:52

Let him know from the git-go that at the present,he is your biological father,and if he wants to be your DAD he will have to earn it , and if he isn't willing to put forth that effort then keep on walking. He may stumble a little in the beginning but as long as you see an honest effort on his part , it can happen.

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