The following is a copy of a thread on the "Essex Tri-Directional Tractor" from Yesterday's Tractors Website, on the Tractor Talk board. This site is absolutely the single greatest resource for antique tractors that exists. You should visit the home page and you'd likely enjoy the Tractor Talk board as well.
Posted by KRM on January 08, 2002 at 06:59:38 from (152.163.197.208):
I drove by the new equipment dealer in town the other day, and I saw the strangest tractor I've ever seen, and on top of it the driver looked to be Elvis! Well, I stopped the old pickup and walked over to this strange looking tractor. It had the biggest tri-directional cleated tires I'd ever seen. It would make any "Big Foot" owner green with envy. The tractor had the strangest movements and I couldn't tell if it was a "commin or goin". A lot of the motion was due to the gyrations of Elvis who was drivin it. I looked up at the driver wearin dem silvered sunglasses and asked, "Dat you, Elvis?" Well, to show who he wuz he begun singin "Love Me Tender......". I said, "Whoa, I ain't one of them." Well, then he begun drivin that monster ETD all over the lot, kickin up mud and rocks, and doin wheelies. All the time he was demonstrating the ETD, he was singin "You Ain't Nuttin But A Ground Hawg" while "barkin" the tires when he got on pavement. It was an incredible display of power. Then Elvis went to the back of the lot and started climbin over some traded in Belarus and Yingsu tractors while he sung, "Fools Rush In Where Steigers Fear to Tread". It was incredible! Then Elvis hooked up a round baler to the rear PTO and a square baler to the front PTO and operated it in the tri-directional mode in the field next to the dealership while he sung, "Bale-House Rock". I stood there agast and thot to myself, "If that don't raise the dead, nuttin will." Well, at that time the salesman walks up to me and splained to me all about the ETD. He said that before the formal introduction that the company had let a farmer running a beef operation in the next county use a prototype for a while. Well, the farmer was pilin some stuff in a concrete silage bunker runnin cross ways in the bunker pushing it up against the walls to make it easier to get with a loader tractor at feedin time for the cattle. When the farmer looked down, he saw some fence wire. He had the ETD in a creeper gear so he thot he'd git off and get it while the ETD kept a movin. Just as he picked up the wire and started wadding it, his wife calls him to dinner. Being powerful hungry, he forgot the ETD and rushed to the house. Just as he was wipin the gravy of his chin, he remembered the ETD was still in gear. Well, he jumps up with the corner of the table cloth still tucked in his shirt and runs out the door flinging paper plates, plastic forks, and styrofoam cups everywhere. Just as he turns the corner, he saw the most amazing sight. There was the ETD still goin. When he got off the ETD before dinner, the wheels were turned a little and the ETD had kept movin toward the wall. When it pushed the stuff up to the wall the monster all-wheel drive climbed the wall and fell over backwards and continued up-side-down to the other side where it did the same. With the wheels turned slightly, the ETD and flipped and flopped from one side of the bunker to the other until all the stuff was neatly piled against the walls. He got there just as the ETD was gettin to the other end, then climbed on and drove it back to the barn. Well, I then asked the salesman, where does the term tri-directional or ETD come from? The salesman seemed to get a little foggy in his explaination and said, "It goes in directions other than forward and backward. It's does things near the ground more than any other tractor - it's an Extra Terrestrial." What? You mean it has little green aliens making it or driving it? Does it fly? I asked. "Naw, not exactly, but I can't tell more because it's classified. Then I asked the big question, Is ETD an acronym for Extra Terrestrial Driver? The salesman immediately clammed up and wouldn't talk about the ETD's features, but started given me the sales talk. He said they're goin fast and there's a shipment to be flown in about a 6 weeks. Then I asked how do they fly these monsters in with no airport nearby. He wouldn't answer me. Well, I quickly wrote out the check for the $10,000 earnest money deposit, and the salesman said it would be delivered to my farm in six weeks on February 30th. Happily, I walked back across the parking lot to my pickup knowing I was going to have ownership of the leading edge of tractor technology. Then while walking in the parking lot, I noticed several blackened depressions in the pavement. Hmmm, I'd better get my friend who owns the blacktopping company over here and pay the dealership a visit. There may be some business in it for him. As I drove out of the parking lot, I heard them paging Elvis on the PA system saying "ET Phone Home"...... I thought his initials were EP. KRM
Good morning everyone! It would seem as though we have reached some level of notariety on the Tales Board with our devulgence of information on the Essex Tri Directional, [this is a lot like being recognized by Ann Landers]! I would suspect that this may lead Kim to add another site, specificaly for the ETD. This of course may be all well and good, but, personaly, I think we have devulged far too much information in the course of our discussions, and feel we should at least try to "put a lid on" any further in depth discussions on the afformentioned topic until we have annalized the out come of the previous devulgences, not to say we shouldn't discuss the lesser and more common attributes, but, the more advanced topics should be left for a later date......., like tomorrow? have a gooder, R.E.L.
Clem Posted 01-05-2002 at 09:39:09 [Reply] [Send Email]
I'm in complete agreement with you. BTW, I just got an email from Fergus Dingle who is Alberta Mike's second cousin, that a Pembroke Super Ox 5 Wheeler was found under some 50 year old loose hay in a barn in Saco, Montana. As you know, any Pembroke tractor is rare. That they found a Super Ox 5 wheeler is really amazing. According to Fergus it was in remarkable condition. When I get more information I'll post it.
Rufus Posted 01-05-2002 at 10:46:36 [Reply] [No Email]
Too late, Grove r. The whole whole thread is about to be published in "Virtual Mechanix Illustrated" with blueprints, photographs, diagrams and testimonies from eyewitnesses who are now in the protection program under extremely tight security and are only coming forward with assurances from the Pope, Billy Graham, and Bishop Tutu along with a guaranteed $50 million double indemnity life insurance policy underwritten by Lloyd's of London.
Richard Professional Firefighter Posted 01-05-2002 at 09:55:38 [Reply] [Send Email]
The movie rights have already been purchased but no movie will be forthcoming. They have been purchased by an undisclosed person or group for "the common good of society."
sambo Posted 01-05-2002 at 10:54:26 [Reply] [No Email]
You better not let this guy down In Texas find out that you got yours because he put down a 50% deposit and is still waiting,I believe his name was pokeberry or berryhead.
Steve NW WI Posted 01-05-2002 at 01:53:15 [Reply] [No Email]
Ahhh, winter is here again in the Northland, but can I suggest a little fresh air in them fishhouses once in a while wouldn't hurt? We all know the adult beverages couldn't cause an outbreak like this :)
Steve NW WI
HTR Posted 01-04-2002 at 22:26:53 [Reply] [No Email]
Now, I have never seen one of these Essex TD tractors first hand myself, but my daddy relayed this story and description of the tractor to me. He had a neighbor who's brothers father-in-laws cousins grandfather had actually helped Mr Essex in developing these tractors.
His description was quite different from what I have read here. He was told that the Tri-D was a large triangle configuration with a large drive wheel at each point of the triangle, and all three wheels steered. Each wheel had an independent, upside down, inverse, gravational device that self actuated, if it started to lose traction. This sort of meant that the wheels could not be stopped by adverse conditions.
The engine was of the super conducting, cold fusion, flywheel type, which made it have limitless horse power. The engine was mounted is the center of the frame and was fueled with silicon ( sand). The exhaust was directed streight down to the ground for pollution purposes.
The tractor frame and drive components were an alloy of tungsten, molybdenum, titanium, and kryptonite renforced with carbon fiber. With the addition of the krytonite, this meant none of the components could be broken or pulled apart.
After speculation on the great advanced technicalogy, the aforesaid neighober, brothers, cousins, whatever, told Mr Essex This thing really should have an anti swoorp option added. This was vetoed by Mr Essex,he said he didn't think it needed an an anti swoorp device as nothing short of a super nova, black hole, of space warp could affect the tractor so that it would need an anti swoorp device, and besides it would add $12.30 to the cost, and we want to keep the initial cost down.
Well, field testing and Murphys law. As the tractor was on one of its demostrations, there was some sort of miscommunication between the micro processor and a transducer and some control valves, anyhow, all three drive wheels started pulling in different directions with Mr Essex at the controls.
The engeneers watching started to panic, and was heard saying this ain't good, total traction, limitless horse power, and the kryptonite components. One said this remindes me of the expanding universe theory, another said this is like the old question an unstopable force meeting an immovable object, the neighbors brothers cousins, whatever, said I told you we should have installed the anti swoorp device, but the tractor just continued to stretch and stretch.
A ray of hope, there had been a tow tractor parked in the field with a 3-53 Detroit Diesel for five minutes or so and had driped about a half of a quart of oil. The EPA hadn't found this oil spill and hadn't fined them $10,000 and hadn't made them dig up 400 cubic yards of soil yet. So when one of the drive wheeels hit the oil spill it didn't really lose traction, but tractor made a jump and dislodged the inverse gravitational device in that wheel. The wheel turned side ways and started the tractor in a reverse imploding anti gravational spin, that is the oppsite of centrifugal force, all the while the stretched frame was contracting as it hadn't reached the yeild point. Mr Essex was thrown streight up high in the air, and was also rotating at a rapid speed. As the reverse imploding circle go smaller and smaller an faster and faster, near the apex of the circle at a tremendous speed.
ALL of a sudden SSWWOOORRPPP the tractor disappeared up its own exhaust pipe and was gone forever. I think this is the real story to the demise of the Essex-Tri D.
I will not speculate on the fate of Mr Essex, as he was never seen again either.
Stan in AL Posted 01-05-2002 at 08:37:05 [Reply] [No Email]
I want to be careful so as not to spread any rumors but, I'm not so sure that wasn't Mr. Essex at the Shell-Mart in New Hope this morning when I came through. And that could have been the ETD that wasn't on the gooseneck being pulled by what probably wasn't really a 1922 Peterbilt Pick-up with a pre-plumbed Porta-Potti on the port side.
Just trying to help.
HTR Posted 01-04-2002 at 23:40:34 [Reply] [No Email]
Sure am glad the ground is frozen as it is going to take quite a few trips with the manure transportation and distribution device to clean up this overabundance of BS
Bigdog (workin hard) Posted 01-04-2002 at 11:09:38 [Reply] [No Email]
Well, I don't want to toot my own horn but there are a small handfull of E-T-D experts on the planet and I just happen to be one of them. I wish I had some means of sketching one out for you and posting it here on the forum but this old Commodore 64 computer of mine won't allow it. Visualize if you will a grid approximately 9 yards by 9 yards, sort of like a big X's and O's grid. Draw a perimeter line around the outside. There are lines every yard within the grid's interior. Every time a line intersects or joins another, visualize a 20" balsa wood tractor wheel. This was the basic makeup of the E-T-D. The power supply and controls have been archived here before and I won't go into those details. If you draw the picture, you'll find exactly 100 of these wheels. Hence, the ability to move instantaneously in any direction at the whim of the operator. Skilled operators could actually make the grid move in 3 directions at once. Eventually, the design gave way to the infamous Uniwheel which was one HUGE carbon fibre wheel with 100 spokes. They saved a lot of money on that design since carbon fibre was so abundant compared to balsa wood. So, there you have it, at least a vague look at this mystery tractor that so many of us crave knowledge for.
Clem Posted 01-04-2002 at 11:25:05 [Reply] [No Email]
According to confidential sources, The tri-directional was able to do all farming jobs from field preparation to planting to harvesting all in one pass through the field, and would produce excess fuel as it ran instead of consuming it.
No examples survive today and oldtimers who claimed to have seen one have disapeared under mysterious circumstances. It is whispered in some circles that a coalition of large oil companies and several agricultural equipment makers bought all the patents, prototypes and production facilities then destroyed all evidence of their existence to keep such a product off the market.
There are rumors of involvement by the CIA, FBI, NFPA, NYSE and UFO's. I heard in a reliable internet chat room just the other day that Mulder and Scully were looking into it, but were warned off of it by "the smoking man". I can't say any more than that since this is very confidential and you're not cleared to this level.
p.s. Keep all this under your hat since I heard it from "Deep Throat" in the restroom of a parking garage in the Washinton DC area. The truth is out there.
Grove r Posted 01-04-2002 at 08:25:24 [Reply] [No Email]
Hi, P.J., sure glad to hear you are interested in the Essex TD. Of all the old time tractors listed on the YT Mag, the TD is probably the least mentioned and most misunderstood. Wish that I were as knowledgeable as some, like Alberta Mike and Clem, amoungst others. My recolections are limited to some of the change-ups made in later years to try to make this unit equal to todays equipment, needless to say that is only possible through regression, which totaly distroys the Essex's pristine background and unique capabilitys.
One of the more interesting capabilities of the Essex, was the ability to syphon fuel from unerlying deposits in the ground,[thus the previous note about the TD spewing fuel when not properely attended], this was accomlished by using a device called an "Interpolectatic Symposolater", "Type Three", the 'type three' was attuned to hi octane, low residual fuel, only. Whereas the type two and type one were used for regular fuel and diesel fuel in later and lesser models. Of course this device was used only where hi octane fuels were present underground, to circumvent this secound problem of regular fuel shortage, the "I.S." type three was fitted with an "R.G.E.", ["Restrictive Gravitational Eliminator"], [not to be confused with the "T.G.E.", "Total Gravitational Eliminator", which was used for negotiating realy narrow row crops, and hedgrows]. The 'R.G.E' made it possible to bring fuel along transgordial lines over vast distances of undisturbed vendestinal argrendulins.
In closing, I would like to deferr this discussion over to some other more knowledgeable people.... Alberta Mike? Clem? have a gooder, R.E.L.
Are You Serious ? Posted 01-04-2002 at 08:01:01 [Reply] [No Email]
John, surely you know that Jake (from Jake's Corner, Yukon) is the only one that is really qualified to comment on your post. Putting such a question out to the public at large is totally unacceptable to the ETDRAHF (Essex Tri-Directional Research and Historical Foundation). Why, before you know it there will be tractor buffs across this great country of ours searching in every nook and crannie for remnants of this wonderful piece of machinery. Can you imagine their disappointment when they find out that only one tractor was ever built, and that one from nothing more that 13500 pounds of balsa wood which has long since decomposed. Now, the Uniwheel model, well that topic is certainly open to discussion since a much larger number were produced and most of the parts were made from carbon fibre which resists decay.
Mike (WA) Posted 01-04-2002 at 08:28:51 [Reply] [No Email]
Sure, the carbon fibre resists decay, but alas, even that elegant material cannot escape the realities of our resource-based economy. When it was found that the carbon Uniwheels began smoldering when brought to operating temperature on a hot day (albeit a rare occasion in the Yukon), entrepreneurs "put 2 and 2 together", and soon virtually the entire fleet had been shredded and pressed into charcoal briquettes. Mourn the passing of this unique technology next time you fire up the barby.
bob Posted 01-04-2002 at 08:59:40 [Reply] [No Email]
You gentlemen are absolutely correct. It is heart warming to see such interest in and information about these two outstanding tractors. Several years ago I tried to interview Renfroe Redding of Hoven, So. Dakota, who was the brother of Hiram Redding. Hiram was the only known owner/operator of a TD in So. Dakota, cica 1911. Hiram disappeared in October of that year under strange circumstances. He was a man of habit and almost never varied from them, did not like to be away from his farm for more than a few hours at a time. He was seen leaving town about 10:30PM (long after his usual bed time of 8:00PM)with two men and a women. One man was reported to look just like Garth Brooks, complete with head set microphone. The women was descibed as tall, blond, wearing a black mini skirt and topless. No one remembers what the second man looked like. Hiram was never seen again. Anyway in my attempt to interview Renfroe about the TD and Hiram, he became increasing upset and tried to sell me a vacuum cleaner and when that failed, some term life insurance. I terminated the interview as soon as possible and left. I guess we'll never know the true story.
F14 Posted 01-04-2002 at 12:49:58 [Reply] [No Email]
You "experts" have become so enamored of the sound of your own keyboard you have forgotten one of the most important and noteworthy features of this remarkable machine. The operator got younger as he or she ran it! Therefore seat time had to be strictly limited lest they regress to a previous life with much discomfort for their mothers.
Experts! Bah!
F14...Which, I guess Posted 01-04-2002 at 16:59:40 [Reply] [No Email]
Many thanks to Alberta Mike, Clem and the rest of you who contributed, unselfishly, to try to clarify some of the finer points concerning the ETD, hope this helps PJ on with his querry. Certainly hope the statute of limitations protects us, as we have devulged much information that has, in the past, been kept under wraps, so to speak, for fear of this advanced technology falling into the wrong hands. NASA is currently interested in the reverse anti-antigravitational device for use on their space station, seems as though the astronauts are spending far too much time just "hanging around", and this device would again put them on "firm footing".
Just read the post about the operator of the Tri Directioal becoming younger as he drove the machine, this was true, but, only when fitted with the rarely used "reverso dialecto-meter", and was soon removed, as was stated, when it became embarassing for the operators mother, poor soul.
she spent many years in rehab trying to "pull herself together".
Truly sorry about having to decline the title of "expert", let me explain; "X" is designated as an unknown quantity; "spert", is a drip under pressure, so basicaly we have here "an unknown drip under pressure"! Well I'm sure I'm quit well known here, and I don't feel much pressure, so....
If anyone has any further questions on the Essex Try Directional, please feel free to ask, I'm sure someone will be more than happy to post a response. Have a gooder, R.E.L.
CJ Posted 01-04-2002 at 21:43:09 [Reply] [No Email]
That's the warp drive reactor core with the dilithium crystals removed. You can tell because the tri-corder display screen is visible next to the phaser array and photon torpedo release switch.........................OOPS, wrong tractor! That would have been the Enterprise Tri Directional.
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