Posted by JRSutton on January 21, 2013 at 10:10:28 from (75.130.109.233):
In Reply to: OT Youngest son posted by dej(jed) on January 21, 2013 at 04:55:24:
My opinion, since you asked.
Think about how much better it'd be if you had made things very clear, earlier in life so he had decisions points he had control over later in life.
For example - when he was sixteen, telling him you'll stop paying for his cell phone at 18 - it would have made it much easier to stop paying when he hit 18, and for him to know it was coming.
Car insurance till he's 21. Help with repairs until he's 24. etc etc.
Have staggered "expiration dates" like that set in stone from an early age and it makes it much easier on both of you when that time arrives.
If he doesn't find a means of picking up those expenses incrementally like that - he's got absolutely nobody to blame but himself, and he'll know it.
Leaving it vague "I'm not going to do this forever..." only means you're going to do it forever, because it's NEVER a good time to shut him off. It's like welfare. It almost guarantees it's going to end in hard feelings.
It's still not too late to set things straight.
Talk it out - ask him how long he thinks you should continue paying his bills. Let him see how ridiculous it sounds to say a number that's too high.
Turn this into a lesson on the value of establishing expectations BEFOREhand - that'll help him later in life. Not to mention the importance of having a plan in life.
At 20,it is late to start that, but not hopelessly late.
Work with him to come up with a reasonable plan of staggered expiration dates for your assistance. Then stick to that plan.
Remember, you had a hand in this problem. Expecting HIM to solve it all on his own isn't right. You'll have plenty of people tell you the tough love thing will force him into being a good man - but what people tend to forget is that just because that approach may have worked for them, there's still 10 times as many cases where it puts a peson on a crash course with addiction and perpetual government assistance. Take the opportunity to show your son the right way.
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