Posted by dgasper on July 18, 2013 at 22:43:55 from (24.4.226.154):
In Reply to: prayers needed posted by ben there on July 18, 2013 at 21:11:31:
What NOT to Say:
1. "This may be hard to hear, but..." Going through cancer, life is beyond hard enough. Unless you've gone through it, it's incredibly hard to empathize with its level of "suck." Don't make it any harder. Which leads directly into...
2. "I can relate." Unless you have gone through chemo, radiation, and a body part removal, it is almost impossible to be able to physically relate. Emotionally, maybe. Physically, meh. The thing is that people that have gone through this never, ever say "I can relate," or "I know what you're going through."
3. "This is part of God's bigger plan." If you want a cancer patient who loves God to start hating God, say this to said cancer patient. If he or she is not mad at God before this sentence is uttered, he or she is pretty pissed off now. "Wait, you think God did this? What a jacksauce!" Oh, and for an ever higher state of anger:
4. "God doesn't give you a cross you can't bear." It takes hindsight to understand the higher purpose if that is what you are looking for. You don't stand in a burning building and think, "Well, this is all happening for a reason." You extricate yourself from the situation, and then you reflect.
At some point during the battle, God-fearing or not, we all have a cross more than we can bear. It's only when we have it that our limits are tested, broken, redefined and rebuilt. Every single one of us have, at some point, given in.
To cancer patients and caregivers, you should not get mad when you hear these words coming from anyone: "I'm sorry you're going through this." The reason people say it is simple: it's the right thing to say. It's what should be said. It's not pity; it's love, affection, concern, being polite.
"I'm sorry" is a way of saying "I don't know what you're going through because I can't relate, but it hurts my heart to know that you're suffering."
"I'm sorry" is good for casual friends, acquaintances, and strangers. But if you are utterly close to someone battling, there is one sure thing you can say to make them feel even a modicum of better: "I will be here for you in any way you need, in any way I can."
My wife is in her fourth round of chemo with more to follow. And I'm sorry for her and everybody else going through the battle. And I am here for her.
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