Jay, I divorced 5 years ago when I found about about the affair my wife was having, and kissing her BF right in front of our young children. The divorce ended a 22-year marriage that was a nightmare most of the marriage. The divorce was the roughest thing I ever went through, but looking back, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It ended a horrible nightmare. I am all for marriage and sticking it out, but I know that some marriages were a bad mistake and cannot be saved no matter how much counseling is involved. Believe me. We spent countless hours in marriage counseling and individual counseling sessions too. So if there's any chance of both of you being willing to work on the marriage and truly start with a fresh attitude and forgive everything in the past, that's my first recommendation. If it ain't going to happen and there's too much damage and hurt to be repaired without a miracle of God, then divorce is about all that's left.
The question then is, how can I minimize the hurt that my children will experience?
My boys were 16, 11, and 8 when I filed. I moved out, and the oldest chose to live with me. Their mother got primary custody of the younger two. The ex and I did agree on 1 thing: the best interest of the kids is of primary importance. We worked out the settlement so that I had the kids every other weekend and a weekday evening. Since we lived just a few miles apart, this has worked out great. I have the kids about 1/3 of their lives. I agree with the other poster who said to be the best dad you can be. My kids aren't messed up by the divorce and they're doing well. I have very little communication with my ex and it's mostly e-mail stuff. The kids are 21, 16, and 13 now and seem to be emotionally healthy, and we have great relationships. So I got rid of my nightmare wife, but still have the blessings of my children.
If you divorce, mother will most likely get primary custody of your daughter. That's normal. Courts give small children to the mothers. But that doesn't mean she'll be snatched away from you and you'll never see her again. Make it clear that your daughter is your #1 concern and try to get as much time with her and be the best dad you can be. You will always be her dad. The new boyfriend won't ever be her dad. If you and your ex can agree to live fairly close, this will benefit everyone, especially your daughter. It's when one of the parents decides to move out of state that really hurts the children.
I feel for you. Hang in there. Things can get a lot better.
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