Re: Some advice to Floridians

Posted by Jon C -Florida on September 10, 2004 at 02:38:59 from (66.209.40.195):

In Reply to: Here we go again posted by john in la on September 09, 2004 at 20:30:44:

We have entered the hurricane season. Every day for the next several months, you'll turn on the TV to see a weather person pointing to some
radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.

At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Bertha, most Floridians have had an estimated 27 different
home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- with this coming hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE-PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives from up north, etc.
You should, as a precaution, throw all these items into your swimming pool(if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately this coming weekend). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home,along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them too soon! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that, when the power goes off, turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

55 gallon drums of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Bertha; after the hurricane, there WILL be
many irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a small gernerator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: it's great living in Paradise.

Follow Ups:

• Re: Some advice to Floridians Nebraska Cowman 04:57:32 09/10/04 (5)
  • Re: Some advice to Floridians Jon C -Florida 15:36:51 09/10/04 (4)
    • Re: Some advice to Floridians Allan in NE 15:56:14 09/10/04 (3)
      • Re: Some advice to Floridians Jon C -Florida 16:57:06 09/10/04 (0)
      • Re: Some advice to Floridians john in la 16:15:02 09/10/04 (1)
        • Re: Some advice to Floridians Jon C -Florida 16:59:21 09/10/04 (0)

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