OT: Funniest things I ever heard - Pt. 1

Posted by Kent in KC on March 06, 2007 at 11:51:03 from (24.123.98.130):

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
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Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
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Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
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Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
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Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
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Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
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Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
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Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
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Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
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Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
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Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
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Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
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Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
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Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
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Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
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Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
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Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
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Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
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Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
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Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
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Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
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Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
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Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
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Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
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Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
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THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
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Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
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Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
"Are you left handed?
"Yes"
"Were you born with that hand"?
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"Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
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"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
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"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
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"Were you alone or by yourself?"
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"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
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"Did he kill you?"
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"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
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"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
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"How many times have you committed suicide?"
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Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
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Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls
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Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they do up also?"
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Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
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Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
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Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
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Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
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Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
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Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK?" What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
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Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
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Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
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Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
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Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the Autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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