1.Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at The Waffle House. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen, they'll kick your a$$. 2.Don't laugh at the names of our family, (Billy Joe Bob, Merlene, etc.)or we will just HAVE to kick your a$$. 3.Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Down here it's called Coke no matter who makes it or what brand. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an a$$ kicking. 4.We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your a$$. 5.We have plenty of business sense. You have to to make a living down here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their a$$. 6.Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass cows and our tractors made out of car parts. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. We'll kick your a$$. 7.We are fully aware of how hot it gets here in the summer, so shut the h3&& up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your a$$. 8.Don't order the vegetarian special at the local Cracker barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak rare like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your a$$. 9.Don't try to fake a Southern accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention the movie "Deliverance" as that will incite a riot and you will get your a$$ kicked. 10.Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city h#$%-holes like Detroit, New York, and LA, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Northwest Airlines is ready when you are. Move your a$$ on home before it gets kicked. 11.Yes, we know that bass fishing is "not your thing." We don't care. If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's 70 degrees then you should go home and try fishing in New York Harbor. Also, don't hog the couch in the lake house or we'll kick your a$$. 12.Don't complain that the south is flat and that there aren't enough trees. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your a$$ all the way back to Cleveland. 13.Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your a$$ just like they did ours. 14.So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on farms? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your a$$. 15. We know its not your fault. You didnt do all of those things you say the law claimed you did, but come down here and complain about it, and that will probably get your a$$ kicked. 16. AND LASTLY, a truck is a truck of many given shapes and forms.They are not some big mass of metal with leahter seats, custom carpet and GPS devices. Our trucks work for us, and we take care of them the best we can. We dont need GPS because we know where we are going. call your SUV a truck, and we'll kick your a$$.
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Today's Featured Article - Listening to Your Tractor - by Curtis Von Fange. Years ago there was a TV show about a talking car. Unless you are from another planet, physically or otherwise, I don’t think our internal combustion buddies will talk and tell us their problems. But, on the other hand, there is a secret language that our mechanical companions readily do speak. It is an interesting form of communication that involves all the senses of the listener. In this series we are going to investigate and learn the basic rudimentary skills of understanding this lingo.
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