You are not going to like my answer either. I have worn both pairs of shoes -divorced twice.
The first was when mothers got physical custody--end of sentence, and dads were dead beats by the news media.
Second go round, I got physical custody of a two year old, my wife was ten years younger, and had a fourteen year old daughter that I had no rights to. Unheard of decision by the judge in the state of Iowa.
My second wife had a daughter out of wed lock and we raised her without a single cent from the tax payer. We offered visitation, and it was denied by the biolgical father. Never a cent of child support in any form, and life went on.
It is human nature to fight back like in your case. If you and your wife would sit down and think this over and realize the big picture, your attatudes would change.
All the money you have spent, and still a problem with the child? Well the child is working the system, or pulling the wool over your eyes. If you think she has you on a battle ground right now, wait a few years. Your troubles are just starting.
Regardless of what the child is telling you, she can be turned around. This is where you come in to play. Meet at a park, and you and your wife must take the higher road and be a friend to the dad--end the freaking negative crap that is surfacing. I will state it is not easy, and certianly would suggest meeting only in public places for now anyway.
You have not stated your age, but I'm thinking you with your knowledge, you should be able to win the little girl over, and not by force. Your wife and your attatude sets the stage for the child. I'm not blaming you, you are human, and have been drug through a knot hole. I took that road myself, and lived to regret it for ever.
You mentioned a therapist that will give the answers you want to hear. That ain't a going to happen my friend, if they are of any quality. Most are more concerned on the clock running that the well being of your step daughter.
I'm tough on you I know, and you are ticked at my coments no doubt. But here it is, and I forgive you for your attatude towards me, I nuderstand how you feel.
I or the courts would be a whole lot more sympathetic if your questions were all about how to make things better with the little one. This should be your only concern.
Agin, I wore both shoes, and can tell you there is no end to this given the fighting attatude. In our state visitation and child support are two different things, not relate what so ever, and often misunderstood. The reason for that is the courts are looking out for the child, not the parents.
Your disposition reflects on the child, even not discusing the dad in a positive role is detected by the child regardless what you think you are trying to convey. Alot of this you can not help, and probably not aware of. Every time the attorneys bill comes due, it is only human to get upset. I might add that all the attorney fees has got you no where either.
You can not change this mess real fast, but it can be done if the effort is chaneled in the right direction---there is no big book on right from wrong.
Inviting dad over for supper is cheaper than a single phone call to a attorney, or therapist. You are unaware that you are a victum yourself in this mess, as is everyone involved.
Teachers were a big help in my case of my son not wanting to go visit mom. Mom is not a bad person, she just did a few things or guys I should say that made a relationship hard to handle. I'm to bullheaded to visit with her, and I need a good kick for my attatude. She has exercised her visitation without exception, and I respect her for that.
I have to end this, as I'm going to my first ex-wives place for Thanksgiving to visit my grand children. OH yea, this didn't happen real sudden like. She remarried to a decent guy, who had no part of our divoece, and we visit like old friends---It is hard for me to not make comments on the ex, given my big mouth and all. But it is best for me to shut up. She knows what I know, so she doesn't make any remarks either.
Kinda tough I know, but I have been helping divorced folks for twenty five years or so. My phone rings three to four times every evening with troubled minds. They are usualy right up your story book, and convey attatudes like yours. I don't take credit for my position, almost every word was dumped on me by a friend who told me to quit feeling sorry for myself, and making myself a victum.
By the way, I hated his guts for a long time before the light bulbs started comming on. 99% of your issues you can side step, not to mention the stress of court....my book on going to court will be a big book. do I understand? Sure when a mother does not get custody of a child in Iowa, and has lots of money from her husband / old school teacher.
If you think this is a lot of reading, her attorney tossed papers at me on a weekly basis, if nothing else, think of all the trees that were cut down in your case to make all the legal papers. You could have built a new house with all thaose trees.
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